The Death Positivity Movement

Death positivity, sounds like an oxymoron, right?

The concept of death would seem to be inherently negative, so what is there to be positive about? This may seem to be the case, but I assure you it doesn’t have to be. The way we perceive death, dying and grief in Western culture is disconnected and secretive, we don’t seem to want to see it, hear it or talk about it. However, for all our sakes, we should talk about it, we need to talk about it. So... Let's talk.

What Exactly is Death Positivity?

The term “death positive” can be attributed to the mortician and author, Caitlin Doughty, founder of The Order of the Good Death, in the early 2010s. Doughty coined the term when noticing how we have the term “sex positive” to describe the acceptance of sexuality and the reality that safe, consensual sex is not shameful but healthy; yet there was no term like this for death.

Being death positive means that you don’t believe that it should be taboo or morbid to speak openly and honestly about death. This doesn’t mean that you are excited when someone dies or wish to be insensitive about other people’s relationships to death. The ultimate goal of death positivity is to open the conversations about grief, death and dying so we can shift the cultural perception and allow people to access the end of life they strive for. Not only do we wish to accept the realities of death and dying, but to push back on the systems in place that result in deaths from violence, deaths from lack of access to care, the belittling of grief, among other things.

Doughty also created what she refers to as the “Tenets of the Death Positive Movement”, which are the main beliefs, goals and values held within the death positive community. These tenets are as follows:

I believe that by hiding death and dying behind closed doors we do more harm than good to our society.
I believe that the culture of silence around death should be broken through discussion, gatherings, art, innovation, and scholarship.
I believe that talking about and engaging with my inevitable death is not morbid but displays a natural curiosity about the human condition.
I believe that the dead body is not dangerous, and that everyone should be empowered (should they wish to be) to be involved in care for their own dead.
I believe that the laws that govern death, dying and end-of-life care should ensure that a person’s wishes are honoured, regardless of sexual, gender, racial or religious identity.
I believe that my death should be handled in a way that does not do great harm to the environment.
I believe that my family and friends should know my end-of-life wishes, and that I should have the necessary paperwork to back up those wishes.
I believe that my open, honest advocacy around death can make a difference, and can change culture.

Death denial exists in many, subtle forms in the world all around us. It is the root of our obsession with youth, and the preservation of it using expensive creams, treatments, diets and surgeries. It is in our language that we use to discuss death, with idioms such as “passed away” or “six feet under”. The more you look for it, the more you start to see it everywhere.

People tend to be reserved and frightened to talk about death, for they fear the fact that it will happen to themselves and their loved ones, and there is ultimately nothing you can do about that. While yes, it is of course encouraged to enjoy life and not want to die, the debilitating fear of death that comes from our cultural silence needs to change. The most effective way to feel safe in our world is to stop denying that these difficult and seemingly impossible things happen. Being honest allows us to truly connect with each other and live these experiences together.

A Cold, Closed-Off Culture

Now you know that we live in a culture that denies death. How did we get here? There are certainly many factors that have led us to where we are now, so let’s break them down by focusing on how societal misconceptions and unquestioned norms affect death, dying, and grief.

How is death impacted?

When someone dies, we are told the entire process can be made simpler for us by resorting to funeral directors. While there are definitely people out there who have been assisted by incredible, sensitive and hardworking funeral directors, the funeral business itself is quite broken.

Almost 200 years ago, death looked a lot different in North America than it does now. People would die in their homes, their body put in ice and covered in vinegar-soaked cloths to prevent decomposition, a coffin was constructed by family or a local cabinetmaker. Then, a few days would pass before the burial where the family would carry the coffin on their shoulders to a nearby grave. Each part of the process was intimate or practical.

Nowadays, most funeral companies have taken over and completely depersonalized the process, all the while making copious amounts of money. It is now “the norm” to embalm the bodies, which is incredibly pricey and built on a lie. The claim is that embalming is used to prevent disease and illness from spreading from the decomposing body, although this simply does not happen. But this is no ritual, it is simply a practice presented as a necessity to add to your bill. The modern funeral industry preys upon the public’s reliance and presents absurdly high prices that people are guilted into accepting because their loved one “deserves the best” and “deserves all the add-ons". We live in a society, so disconnected from meaningful ritual and community, that would be lost without the funeral industry, as they intended.

How is dying impacted?

The process of dying has also changed significantly over time. In the late nineteenth century, dying in a hospital was reserved for those who were alone, with no friends or family to be there with them as they died. Most people wanted to die in their homes, in their own bed, surrounded by their loved ones who could be there. Maybe even a local religious leader would join the group, guiding the dying person and supporting the grieving family. This was the preferred way to go.

In our modern times, people die in hyper-sterilized hospital rooms. This practice shields our senses from the sound, smell and sight of death, presenting a sanitized version of a messy reality. Doctors watch over the dying, the process is heavily regulated, and they deem what is sensible for us to witness

without being too taboo all in the name of “practicality”. Because of this, we are so detached from death and the experience lacks in a sense of comfort, ritual and community.

Our reluctance to talk about dying and admit when someone is deteriorating, we neglect the important conversations about one’s end-of-life wishes. Arrangements for the body, division of belongings and desires for funeral services remain unspoken or unclear, placing an avoidable extra burden on bereaved loved ones. Our desire to avoid the realities of what it looks like to die, and all the preparations required, makes this natural process all the more unnatural.

How is grief impacted?

Our unwillingness to observe death and dying has a significant ripple effect that impacts our ability to aid and support those who are grieving. This goes beyond your friend who doesn’t seem to know how to be around you and your grief, but the medical profession as well. Current medical models, according to Megan Devine, classify grief that lasts over 6 months as a “disorder”, and describe complicated grief as grief in need of intervention if the individual is still feeling lost and longing for their loved one. These models and guidelines perpetuate the idea that you should “move on” as quickly as possible.

Grief is treated as an illness, like any other ailment such as a broken leg or stomach flu, as if it is a problem that requires a treatment to solve it. But grief is not some disease. Our society is obsessed with locating problems and throwing possible solutions at them; however, this does not work for grief. Grief needs time to be felt and processed, so the griever can experience that pain and learn how to live within it and find their new normal. If we keep treating grief this way, we will never be able to support our friends in their grief, because we can’t make grief just go away.

Grief is the continuation of love. It is only natural to continue to love, even though it hurts, so who would we be to tell someone to just stop loving who they lost?

From Learning to Leading

Learning to shift your mindset around death and dying is not easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. There are several little things you can do in your day-to-day life to embrace death positivity and introduce others to these ideas. Suggested by mortician Caitlin Doughty, here are some things you can do to be an effective death positive person.

Be Proud! - If people in your life are trying to make you feel embarrassed for your interests and perspectives, that’s their loss. Hold your ground, you do not need to apologize or justify your interest in death.

Make Death a Habit – Being a death positive person doesn’t mean you have one conversation with your friend about your end-of-life plans and call it a day. It is important to regularly mention death-related topics and not shy away from delving into these conversations when an opportunity arises, we are trying to make openness the norm.

Respect the Grieving Process – Grief is a very powerful experience, one that can’t and shouldn’t be shoved aside or downplayed for the sake of keeping everyone else comfortable. There is no reason to

set arbitrary dates or timelines in the recovery process, let it take its time, the mind is trying to process the unthinkable so let's be kind.

Take Notice of Death – Try to take notice of how the fear of death and death denial influences a variety of actions, opinions and goals of the people in your life. Why does your mother frantically text and call you when you miss one call? Why is your partner obsessed over getting that promotion?

Respect Inequalities – A key piece to being a death positive person is acknowledging and understanding why it is more difficult for some to be death positive. Someone may be dealing with poverty, or a violent death or racial inequalities, resulting in them embracing some aspects of death positivity over others (ex. Knowing legal rights at a funeral home). Death positivity will look different from person to person.

Community Aid – Stay involved with the happenings in your community, whether that is your neighborhood, school or online, and engage in death positivity practically. This can be advocating grief support groups, spreading awareness about death-related laws, hosting workshops or volunteering at hospice care. There are plenty of unique ways to spread your knowledge to the community, see our suggestions here.

Be Patient – It is critical that you give yourself time to learn and grow, change cannot take place overnight. There is no point in beating yourself up for slowly accepting the realities of death and dying, you are brave for even tackling these topics in general. Be kind to yourself on your journey and embrace your progress every step of the way.

Want to learn more?

Books

With the End in Mind: Dying, Death, and Wisdom in an Age of Denial - Kathryn Mannix

Videos

Why Are You Afraid of Death? - Ask A Mortician

“Fun and Dying”: What Does it Mean to be Death Positive? - Brut America

Articles

How Death Positivity Helps Me Mourn The Living - INTO

Death is No Laughing Matter. But on DeathTok it is. - Jessica Lucas, The Atlantic

Websites

History of the Death Positive Movement - Order of the Good Death

References

“Death Positive Movement.” The Order of the Good Death, https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/death-positive-movement/.

Devine, Megan. It's OK That You're NOT OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. Sounds True, 2018.

Doughty, Caitlin. 7 Habits of Highly Effective Death Positive People. YouTube, 15 June 2018, https://youtu.be/dVO37s6PAvA. Accessed 25 Aug. 2022.

Doughty, Caitlin. Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematorium. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., 2015.