Grief on a Spectrum
Loss is not a one-size-fits-all situation, it comes in many shapes and sizes.
Much like how everyone processes grief differently, the situations which cause our grief are all highly unique. That being said, loss is not just about death itself, although that frequently is a significant piece of it. There are many types of events that can be classified as losses, and all of these are valid. How you feel is completely up to you, and you should never feel embarrassed or ashamed for being impacted by upsetting life circumstances. Below we will briefly discuss just a few examples of loss and grief that don’t explicitly mean that a death has occurred, but the hurt is most certainly real.
Terminal Illness
Learning that someone you love, or you yourself, has a terminal illness is incredibly overwhelming to process. Although one may not be immediately dead, the knowledge that death is approaching soon is a heavy thing to carry. The term terminal illness indicates that a condition is incurable and will ultimately lead to death; the uncertainty of when this death will come can cause great anxiety and urgency. There are important details to consider, such as end-of-life care, one’s last wishes for their will and the possibility of physician-assisted death. All these pieces are a lot to handle when all you may wish is to spend time with the people you love before they are gone. Grieving before someone is even truly gone is hard on the mind and the body; processing loss is most certainly taxing. To anyone who is in this situation currently, please take care of yourself and do not neglect your own needs and feelings. Seek the help you need yourself so you can be a support system; whether that be a counselor, friends, family or support groups.
Lifestyle Adjustment
Living your life a specific way for your entire existence, just to have something suddenly change is a valid form of loss. For example, spending your whole life eating whatever you want, then ending up discovering you have a newfound condition like Chron’s disease and having to make extreme, abrupt changes to your diet. Or another example; being a very athletic person who sustains a serious injury and subsequently having to continue life with severe chronic pain. The grief felt in these cases is extremely real; having to mourn the person you used to be and the things you used to do will take time and effort to process. Although there is no death involved here, there is a piece that is gone (likely) forever. Adjusting to sudden changes is difficult and can be infuriating to come to terms with; often building feelings of jealousy and resentment to others who do not understand your struggles. Take your time processing these adjustments, and please understand that you are not alone in this transition. There are plenty of people out there who know where you are coming from and can guide you to getting where you decide you need to be.
Losing Time
Grief can even be as “simple” as missing out on life experience due to circumstances out of your control. Whether this a missed opportunity due to financial constraints or the end of a serious, romantic relationship, being denied the promises of yesterday are a form of loss. An example of this we can all relate to in varying degrees is the COVID-19 pandemic (also discussed in the “Student Experience with Grief” section). Several years of staying inside, quarantining and isolating certainly put a pause on normal societal function. No more classes, no more meeting new people and no more seeing distant friends/family. Maybe your grandma passed away, or you missed your graduation or just feel like you missed out on a couple years of your “normal” life. These feelings are real, and they are warranted. It is heartbreaking to reconcile the life experiences you will not have because of details that are way out of your control. The truth is that so much of our lives are out of our control, and there is only so much we truly can manage ourselves. It takes time to process these feelings and realizations; let yourself feel your pain and do not let anyone tell you how you are supposed to feel.
Feeling Your Feelings
Regardless of what sort of loss you are facing (or someone you love is facing), it is critical that you grant your feelings the freedom to take up space. No one else can dictate how you are “supposed” to feel, only you can allow yourself to feel your emotions, and let your brain experience what this now means for you. In order to process, we must feel; if we do not let ourselves feel, we cannot process our losses, and this will only prolong our suffering. So, if you feel that you have experienced loss in one of its many forms, please do not feel that you must downplay your emotions. At the end of the day, it is you who must reconcile with your grief, and in order to do so you must acknowledge that it is there.
Want to learn more?
Videos
The Many Kinds of Losses a Person Can Grieve - What’s Your Grief
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Articles
Chronic Illness: Sources of Stress, How to Cope - Cleveland Clinic
What is a terminal illness? - Marie Curie Organization
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Websites
References
“What Is a Terminal Illness?” Marie Curie, https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/who/terminal-illness-definition. Accessed 8
October 2022