Pet Loss - Grieving Dead Pets
We love our pets. How could we not?
They see us go through it all; the good times, the bad times and the exam season stress times. Pets tend to have a special place in our hearts, as they should. So, when you lose a pet, the pain can feel unbearable. It can feel like an impossible task to reorder your life without your best furry (or scaley or feathered) friend, especially when it seems like you can’t talk about their death. Let’s talk about pet loss and all the assumptions and possibilities that come with it.
The Legitimacy of This Loss
This pain is no less real and no less valid than the loss of a human loved one. There will be people, strangers or friends, who may find it ridiculous that you’re so hurt by the loss of your pet. To them I say, know your place. Your feelings are your own to feel, and nobody can tell you otherwise. So, if you’re really hurting and struggling that is a completely natural reaction to the loss of someone (in this case an animal), that you loved deeply.
A significant reason why it hurts so much when we lose a pet is due to the ideas we project onto them while they are living. Pets cannot communicate with us the way we communicate with each other, so we tend to project our feelings onto them in a way that makes them closer to humans. We create distinct personalities for them, inside jokes with other people in relation to them, we develop daily rituals with them, we even speak for them in animated voices. While pets most certainly have their own personalities and unique features, we tend to amplify what we can observe and fill in the gaps to create a much more detailed picture of who they are. Not to mention, they are incredibly cute and cannot truly fight with us, so this just makes it much easier to love them in the first place.
As a result, we create deep and intimate bonds with our pets that go far beyond just caring for an animal by feeding and housing it. These pets become integral parts of our families, our reliable sources of joy and our expert comforters in sadness. Thinking about it this way, it’s hard to understand why anyone would scoff at the pain of losing a pet. Maybe it’s due to some belief that humans are “above” pets or ignorance from someone who doesn’t have a pet. Regardless of the reason, please do not feel ashamed by their judgement.
Reality of Routine Change
When you lose a pet, or anyone for that matter, it takes some time to process that loss and adjust to the new realities of life. While this is apparent with every form of loss, it seems to be a neglected factor in relation to pet loss. We spend A LOT of time with our pets, if you really think about it. Every second you are home, they are sharing space with you, whether you are acknowledging them or not. When they are no longer there to greet you at the door, it may feel like there is no “normal” anymore.
With pets especially, we don’t realize how much time we spend with them. When we sleep, they’re there. When we eat, they’re there. When we clean, they’re there. When we watch TV, yes, they’re also there. When you think of the things you do in your day that are part of your normal life, your pet is more prevalent than you may think. There are plenty of maintenance activities you must do on a regular basis for your pet, whether that’s feeding it, walking it, cleaning up after it, grooming it, playing with it; we put a lot of love and time into our pets.
Since these little critters reside in our homes, it only makes sense that they see it all. We (knowingly or unknowingly) associate them with a sense of calm and comfortability, often as a by-product of our association of the home with a place of relaxation. We put tons of care and love into our pets every single day, we are responsible for their lives, it’s only natural to be so hurt when they have left us. Although it is painful, there is beauty in remembering the “mundane” moments with our pets. The moments that might seem like nothing at the time but would sell your soul to return to after they are gone, if only briefly. It will take time to rediscover your routine and feel any sense of normalcy; it will be difficult, but you can do it. For those who still have their pets, make sure to cherish each moment, even if nothing is really happening, because time is too short and there is so much love to give.
Kitsch or Creative?
When it comes to pet memorials, there is a sort of stigma around it. Some people think it’s excessive, unnecessary or ridiculous. To that I say, respectfully, who asked you? However you choose to remember and honour your pet is completely up to you and has nothing to do with anyone else. People love to speak out of ignorance when their opinions are never asked, it’s kind of a human specialty. This dismissive behaviour toward pets is nothing new and has actually shaped the landscape of how we mourn our pets to this day.
In the mid 1800s, the societal view on pets was changing. As wealth grew amongst the public, pets were less of a burden and more of a member of the household. They were loved and cared for until they died, and their owners would throw them in the garbage because there was no other way to dispose of them unless you found somewhere to dig up a hole, illegally. Fierce pet lovers advocated for a change and lawmakers listened; in the late 1800s a law was passed that allowed for the legal burial of pets. This spawned the creation of the first pet cemetery in Paris, the Cimetière des Chiens et Autres Animaux Domestiques. The catch was, these graves could not appear like human ones, because it was sacrilege to make it seem like animals were equivalent to humans. So, pet owners got creative and made some over-the-top, hyper-stylized gravestones for their beloved pets.
Nowadays, pet cemeteries are very much still around, and just as creative as ever. Although the church (and most other religious organizations) now acknowledges that animals have souls, people still seek to create dramatic memorials for their little critters. To some, these may appear as “kitsch”, of poor taste, but this belief is deeply rooted in stigma. Why shouldn’t we celebrate our pets and use imagination in creating their memorial? Why is it so off-putting to some that we would dare to remember our pets with the same passion that we give to our fellow people? To them I say, your loss. The love we have for our pets remains even when they pass on, it only makes sense that we channel that love into remembering them in a way that feels right to you.
The World is Your Oyster
Not sure how to memorialize your pet once they have passed? That’s okay, and honestly expected. Our reluctance to talk about death and our dismissal of the legitimacy of pet loss doesn’t leave much space to feel comfortable talking about the possible ways to remember our pets. The good thing is, there are so, so many creative options out there for you. Let’s mention a few to get you thinking about which feels right for you and your best friend.
For starters, I think it’s important to mention the best part of pet memorials (despite the pain of losing your pet of course); the freedom of choice. When people pass away, there is more pressure to conform to typical memorial services since there are typically many people who will be personally involved in the process. This can make it easier for everyone, but at the expense of the desires of the dead, just to make people comfortable. With pets on the other hand, the experience is much more personal. The people with deep connections to your pet are likely just you and your household, maybe a few other friends and family. Since it is distinctly your pet, the choice is completely yours. There are less societal expectations and norms, so you are more able to be creative and meaningful with your choices. You can take your time and think it through, the pressure isn’t the same as it is with people. Keeping this in mind, here are some examples.
The most common choice in North America for memorializing pets is cremation, which is typically offered through your veterinarian, making it an easier to organize process. You can choose from a vast selection of small urns, picking the one that best fits you and your pet. However, this is far from the only option. In Germany, pet taxidermy is on the rise. Owners will send in the remains of their pet to be made into a beautiful, still statue of your pet so you can keep it in your home as a reminder of the memories and love still in your heart. As mentioned above, there are still many pet cemeteries in existence where you can design a special gravestone and bury them with other beloved pets. There are also several more obscure memorial practices that involve the remains of your pet. You can use hair/fur to be made into a stuffed animal of your pet, turn ashes into jewelry or use paw prints to make paintings and other art. These options are just scratching the surface. Take the time to do some research yourself and see which possibilities really speak to you; don’t be afraid to think outside the box.
Want to learn more?
Videos
Ask A Mortician-Pet Death - Ask A Mortician
The Rainbow Bridge, Animals in Transition - TEDx Talks, Joan Ranquet
Why losing a dog feels like losing a family member - Alvin Chang, Vox
Articles
Memorializing the More-Than-Human: Grief as a Form of Activism - Order of the Good Death, Cheyenne Zaremba
Do Animals Understand What It Means To Die? - Shayla Love, Vice
Websites
References
Olson, Laurie K. “Not A Stephen King Novel: Cimetière Des Chiens Et Autres Animaux Domestiques.” Pets Lady, 21 May 2013,
http://petslady.com/articles/not_stephen_king_novel_cimetire_des_chiens_et_autres_animaux_dom_62863. Accessed 25 Aug.
2022.