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Student Experiences with Grief

Being a student is hard.

There are countless parties and countless assignments; how do you ever find the time? How quickly all those worries tend to fade when faced with the seemingly insurmountable pain of loss. Talking about loss in general is great, but since this is a resource for the Queen’s community, focusing on the specifics of loss as a student is vital. There is no shame in feeling confused and overwhelmed within your pain, this part of life is already grounds enough to feel that way. I urge you to read through and understand the factors and aids you are likely to encounter as a university student.

The University Environment

The experience of being a university student, from entrance to graduation is generally stressful. When most think of university-related stress, they think of assignments, classes, exams and studying. While these certainly do induce stress, we are just scratching the surface. There still are still monetary stresses like fees, tuition, housing, and food in addition to social stresses like abrupt lifestyle adjustments, meeting new people, interacting with professors and work-life balance.

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All in all, university is a time of change. Most people will be experiencing a new sense of responsibility, whether that’s on a small or large scale. These changes, while important to your development into becoming a completely independent adult, can be difficult to adjust to. These things just take time.

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The tumultuous nature of university life is exactly why experiencing grief and loss as a student comes with its own factors that can contribute to suffering. Being away from family can make it more difficult to feel supported in your loss, especially when you’re experiencing the loss of a family member. It may feel like the only people who can comprehend what you’re going through and can give you the comfort you seek are out of reach. Moreover, the constant demand of your courses may make it feel like you don’t have the time to grieve. Suppressing that grief and not allowing yourself to process and experience the pain will just result in an outburst of emotion and unresolved trauma. For many first years, it can feel like you don’t have the support system you need at school, given the freshness of your newfound friendships.

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The pressure of independence and change that comes with being in university can make it feel next to impossible to process your grief. But you are not alone in this. Although this environment can be overwhelming, you are not the only student who is experiencing loss, guaranteed. While it is incredibly important to seek out those on campus who may somewhat understand your pain, it is even more crucial that we seek to change the way we talk about loss and support our grief at this school.

The Façade of Immunity

Oftentimes, you will see the loss of a young adult presented as a shock, or a tragedy or that this person was taken from us “before their time”. While the pain of these deaths is undeniably valid, their suffering is heightened by a societal false promise of longevity. People are supposed to die when they’re old, their organs are failing, and they have lived a long, happy life surrounded by children and grandchildren. This is what we are told, this is what we are supposed to strive for. Unfortunately, this is not a guarantee.

 

Due to a lack of open, honest conversation around death in larger society, we can’t freely discuss the grim realities of death. This just leads to anxiety, paralyzing fear and firm denial, which is especially the case for young people. We are told we are meant to live long lives. That we are supposed to grow old and pass away in a hospital bed. That we are owed a healthy, happy life until we are 82 (the average age at death in Canada). This isn’t true. We aren’t owed anything; we are guaranteed nothing. The death of a young person and an old person are both tragic in their own unique ways to those they leave behind.

 

Although these thoughts and truths can be overwhelming and scary to ponder, it’s important that we at least begin to process them. This doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t live a long and happy life, it just isn’t promised. Young people tend to believe that painful things like loss don’t happen to them, can’t happen to them. It’s not their fault either, they are told this for as long as they can remember. Though it does occur, people feel they can’t talk about it, so they don’t, and these pains and realities are left unspoken. By openly acknowledging this, we can begin to accept this truth and truly appreciate each day we laugh with our friends, hug our loved ones and partake in our favourite hobbies.

 

Where there is pain there is also beauty; for each day we draw breath there will be someone else your age who no longer will. This is not something to be afraid of, but something to be aware of, and to remind you to cherish each moment you are here.

Causes of Death

When it comes to the loss of a young person, there are causes that are more likely than others. These can range from an accident to a terminal diagnosis, to an injury to suicide. The impact of each of these will be felt differently, but the underlying hurt is the same. I want to take the time to unpack and discuss two of these causes further: accidents and suicide, which both often come as a shock but are vastly distinct.

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Accidents are especially hard to process because you simply have no idea it’ll happen. How can you? Time feels ripped short; there are words left unspoken, things left you still wanted to share, places they have yet to go, goals left unfulfilled. This ties into the false promise of a long life; an accident occurs and those left behind feel angry and robbed. How can one begin to process this loss, when the potential of it occurring felt so... impossible? Accepting that accidents can happen before the fact won’t make it less painful, but it may make it easier to talk about and eventually process. The more you feel comfortable being open with your pain, and able to trust your support systems to listen, you become more able to gradually reconcile your grief.

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Discussing suicide is like trying to walk on eggshells; this topic is incredibly sensitive and next to impossible to maneuver elegantly. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to talk about it. If we can’t even talk about its existence, how can we even begin to support a bereaved family who’s loved one died by suicide? How can we open ourselves to the words of those left behind when we can’t even bear to think about it at all? It is important that we tackle our discomfort, lean into it, and face it. If not for your

own death positive journey, then for someone you care about who is dealing with the aftermath. Since we as a society can’t and won’t talk about suicide, how can one ever feel safe and welcome to talk about their loved one’s suicide? Opening this dialogue, being honest about the pain of being left behind, the trauma inflicted on those who bear witness to the act and the missed milestones may just be a monumental step in suicide prevention.

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If you are feeling suicidal or contemplating suicide, please reach out to Talk Suicide Canada by calling 1-833-456-4566 or texting 45645. Visit Talk Suicide Canada to locate a distress centre or crisis organization nearest to you.

Collective Loss: A Note on the COVID-19 Pandemic

For many, it may still feel like the COVID-19 pandemic is over. While there are essentially no more capacity restrictions, mask mandates, social bubbles and covid screening questionnaires, the effects of this pandemic will be felt for quite a while.

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Loss is much more complex than just death. While yes, death is a large component of this, there is also lifestyle adjustment, new diagnoses, lost time and experiences, among other things. The pandemic gave us all no choice, we had to shut down, stay home and reduce our lifestyle luxuries significantly. Some fared better than others. Some experienced the death of loved ones, some became ill and have stayed ill, some got sick and recovered only to be left with new conditions, some have forgotten what it was to have “good” mental health, and some have missed countless important cultural milestones. Some of these are much harder to process than others but the general idea is that as an entire society, we have experienced some form of loss due to the pandemic.

 

Your sadness and anger are valid and warranted. Nobody asked for this, yet we all had to wait impatiently for an unknown length of time. Many are exiting this period feeling lost themselves, unsure who they are after all they have been through and all they have sacrificed. The one thing that may reassure you, if you are feeling this way, is that you are most certainly not alone. There are people out there who share a similar story, if you wish to seek them out for comfort or understanding.

 

I know we all just want to forget it and move on; I can completely empathize with that feeling. But we should not hastily do so at the expense of leaving behind those who may not have the same luxuries. We must still lend our shoulders to our friends mourning the loss of a loved one who died of COVID, due to the restrictions they likely didn’t get to be with their loved one in their final moments at the hospital or get to put together the funeral they would have wanted with friends and family. We cannot be so ignorant of those with medical conditions, whose immune systems still warrant them at risk of becoming very ill due to COVID, even 3 vaccinations in. We must be kind to those with medical conditions they probably would have never developed if it weren’t for contracting COVID, giving them the time and space to figure out their new day-to-day life.

 

Everyone around you has lost something due to COVID-19, big or small, let us use this example to deconstruct how we process loss and learn how to support the grief of those you love.

Locating Support on Campus

It is frequently absurdly difficult to find some form of grief-adjacent support on a university campus. That’s the main reason I started this online resource in the first place, but I admit it can only do so much. In response to students being more vocal about their mental health needs, universities have expanded their resources, created resiliency workshops and host meditation sessions. While these things are all beneficial to mental health overall, universities tend to misunderstand the crisis at hand. We don’t necessarily need more and more activities; these schools need to fully realize the shifting demographics on their campus and understand the role they now play in the life of a student and design their resources accordingly.

Due to the difficulty of finding these things yourself (it can honestly be very confusing), I have curated a description of four different places you can turn to for support, right here on the Queen’s campus. For more resources external to the Queen’s campus, check the Resource page. If you would like to reach out to us here at Conversations with Death, send a message on the Contact Page.

  1. Student Wellness Services

This first one is probably a little obvious. Student Wellness offers self-guided wellness tools and services, professional counsellors, referrals to specialized care and countless workshops. While these can most certainly be helpful; it is not guaranteed you’ll see someone who has a deeper understanding of grief and what is required for adequate support. If you are okay with this possibility and are looking for more general mental health support as well, this may be the route for you.

 

     2. Faith and Spiritual Life

Though the name may make it seem like it, you do not have to belong to a specific faith (or any faith!) to contact the Interfaith Chaplain, Erin Burns. There is no pressure or expectation, Faith and Spiritual Life can arrange for you to meet with someone just to talk about whatever you are thinking or feeling in this time of grief. Having someone to open up to, with no strings attached, can make it easier for you to vocalize your emotions and begin to process your loss.

 

     3. Good Mourning

If you’re searching for a sense of community who can understand loss and like to read, this may be the one for you. Good Mourning is the first (and only) grief-related club on the Queen’s campus, which runs monthly book-club meetings to have conversations about grief in the context of these books. However, you don’t have to read these books to join the club and attend the meetings. The importance of finding a space in which you truly feel heard, on the topic of your loss (or loss in general) cannot be overstated.

 

     4. Your Friends!

While all these resources can make a huge difference in your grief process, sometimes that’s not really what you’re looking for. Making sure to vocalize your needs to your friends can lift the weight of the world off your shoulders, allowing you to be open about your emotions. Whether it's one friend or ten, knowing someone is unequivocally there for you is worth so much, especially since these people want to help and hate to see you suffer.

Advocating for Change

As was mentioned above, it is quite hard to find grief support on campus. Even if you do, that doesn’t mean the university itself will be accommodating to your needs at this time. It depends on your professors, TAs, department heads and more to determine just how accommodating they’re willing to be. Some may give you all the time you need to complete your required assessments, and some may tell you, “That sucks, too bad”. It shouldn’t be this way. You shouldn’t feel like you have to drop out entirely or fail a class or suppress your needs so deep down for the sake of a chemistry midterm. Universities tend to underestimate the power of grief.

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This also extends to university staff. Staff are only allowed 3 days leave with pay, an absolute maximum of 5, which only applies to “immediate family”. Why can’t this egregiously short amount of time apply to other relationships sure to have an equal, or even more significant impact? In addition to this, staff and students alike must submit an obituary or death certificate in order to receive whatever accommodations or time they require. The process of acquiring, evaluating and sending these very sensitive and private documents can be beyond painful. The grief process is private, and should be shared at the griever's discretion, not by demand.

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When dealing with these institutions it is critical that you stick up for yourself. If you are grieving and not being taken seriously, reach out to anyone in the department you can, reach out to student wellness, and reach out to your peers for support. It is easier said than done, but your health and healing are worth it. Hopefully this resource can demonstrate to all of Queen’s University that they need to update their policies around bereavement and listen to grieving students about what they can do to change their systems.

References

“Bereavement Policy.” Human Resources, Queen's University,         

     https://www.queensu.ca/humanresources/sites/hrwww/files/uploaded_files/policies/time-                   

     away/Bereavement%20Leave%20Policy.pdf. “Canada.”

Data Commons, 2019, https://datacommons.org/place/country/CAN?category=Health.

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